I see the manifestations of my own despair only after I have moved into the the light for a time. The juxtaposition is alarming, seeing my own fears only when they are past moving me, a walk this morning eschewing them away. I see the gloom now more fully, how the darkness snuggled in close to me while my nausea kept me locked indoors and my nails purpled and lifted away from bulbous finger tips that seem to belong to another body. Darkness calls us to imagine a distorted self and world where we cannot see ahead, behind, where we are alone, and in my own shadows I have inhabited a world unfamiliar, ugly, and uncertain.
In the light of this beautiful morning, I can see the endurance of my family, shepherding me through the darkest moments of this mid-chemo haze. I love them for their belief that I can endure and heal and slow down to recover in ways both ugly and inspiring.
4 Comments
Dear Sarah, I too believe that you can heal and endure and recover. I am so sorry the treatment is so rough, and I am so glad you are surrounded by people who love you—–mary, jim and jomn
You are so brave and strong, dear Sarah. Your light will find its way through the darkness. Sending you so much love.
Hello Sarah and thinking of you all through this very rough period. Your strength and perseverance are profound. There are many people sending you strength from afar.
Bob
Dear, dear you,
Your strong, determined and joyous approach to life will prevail. And when those amazing positive qualities falter, know how very many and how very much we all care and are there to steady and lift you and Joe and Solomon. Sending enormous, gentle hugs and vibes from your home state to you three. 💕🙏 Nancy and Brian